Really! Listening Ain't Easy!

I have a pretty neat, I think awesome, relationship with a young friend for a couple of years now. This adolescent has, over the course of two plus years, taught me a ton about myself and about teenage life in the 21st Century. There have been many deep and lasting conversations between us. However, the last few months I have been observing a change in our relationship and our conversations. There appears to be more stress and strain. Our conversations have become more confrontational. In fact, this friend has been saying (often) to me during this time frame these words, "You aren’t listening to me!" I would respond, "I am listening to you, but you don’t hear me." And around the circle our conversation would go, each of us trying win on our point.

I can be a slow learner. So to my young friend, I say, "Forgive me. You are right, I haven’t been listening. I mean really listening to you like I did in the beginning of our relationship and like I should be doing right now. So I am going to start over. I hope you will be patient with me as I become a better listener. Thanks for remaining my friend!" :-)

In fact, I want to more closely guard the way I listen to everyone around me. I have been reading this neat book and it has a chapter about listening with empathy. It has been reminding me of the importance of really understanding what the other person is saying, not just what I think is being said. Instead of listening long enough to see the world through the other person’s point of view, I have busy inappropriately evaluating, probing, advising and interpreting the conversation from my own point of references and experiences (my world view).

Real listening is the ability to enter into the other person’s feelings. Once I have been able to identify with that person, he or she will be more willing to want to understand me. I have a lot to relearn about listening. I am committed to being a successful life long student. If it means changing my ways, so be it. I am committed to my personal mission (see my first blog, August 24, 2006).

How about you? Do you find yourself often frustrated by being misunderstood regardless of the relationship? At home? At work? In a marriage? Perhaps it's time for you to join me in this journey to relearn, or perhaps just learn, the art of listening. Drop me a note and let me know your thoughts?