Another Thought On Listening

During my morning devotions today, I read these words: "So, my dear friends, listen carefully; those who embrace these my ways are most blessed. Mark a life of discipline and live wisely; don't squander your precious life. Blessed the man, blessed the woman, who listens to me, awake and ready for me each morning, alert and responsive as I start my day's work. When you find me, you find life, real life,to say nothing of GOD's good pleasure. But if you wrong me, you damage your very soul; when you reject me, you're flirting with death." (from THE MESSAGE: Pr 8:32-36)

People tend to listen at one of four levels: ignoring, pretending, selective listening, or attentive listening. As individuals, we are free to choose how, what, where, and when to listen. What would happen if we chose, as Stephen Covey suggests, a higher form of listening, empathic listening, when reading or hearing God's written word, the Bible? What if we were to listen to God with an intent to understand God's frame of reference and feelings, rather than our own? What if we listened to Him not only with our ears, but also with our eyes and our heart?

How we listen is our choice. God's word exhorts us to "Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her." (Pr 8:10-11, NIV)

Really! Listening Ain't Easy!

I have a pretty neat, I think awesome, relationship with a young friend for a couple of years now. This adolescent has, over the course of two plus years, taught me a ton about myself and about teenage life in the 21st Century. There have been many deep and lasting conversations between us. However, the last few months I have been observing a change in our relationship and our conversations. There appears to be more stress and strain. Our conversations have become more confrontational. In fact, this friend has been saying (often) to me during this time frame these words, "You aren’t listening to me!" I would respond, "I am listening to you, but you don’t hear me." And around the circle our conversation would go, each of us trying win on our point.

I can be a slow learner. So to my young friend, I say, "Forgive me. You are right, I haven’t been listening. I mean really listening to you like I did in the beginning of our relationship and like I should be doing right now. So I am going to start over. I hope you will be patient with me as I become a better listener. Thanks for remaining my friend!" :-)

In fact, I want to more closely guard the way I listen to everyone around me. I have been reading this neat book and it has a chapter about listening with empathy. It has been reminding me of the importance of really understanding what the other person is saying, not just what I think is being said. Instead of listening long enough to see the world through the other person’s point of view, I have busy inappropriately evaluating, probing, advising and interpreting the conversation from my own point of references and experiences (my world view).

Real listening is the ability to enter into the other person’s feelings. Once I have been able to identify with that person, he or she will be more willing to want to understand me. I have a lot to relearn about listening. I am committed to being a successful life long student. If it means changing my ways, so be it. I am committed to my personal mission (see my first blog, August 24, 2006).

How about you? Do you find yourself often frustrated by being misunderstood regardless of the relationship? At home? At work? In a marriage? Perhaps it's time for you to join me in this journey to relearn, or perhaps just learn, the art of listening. Drop me a note and let me know your thoughts?

Conflict Is Inevitable!

Gary R. Allen, wrote in an article “Minimizing and Managing Conflict,” (Enrichment, Spring 2005) that “The primary reason ministers leave ministry is interpersonal conflict.” He also pointed out that interpersonal conflict was “a major reason that people leave the church.”

Wherever there are people there is going to be conflict. Conflict occurred among the disciples while walking with Jesus along the road to Capernaum. Their issue was who was the most important among themselves (Mark 9:33-35). Later as Jesus’ ministry on earth was nearing completion, the disciples again are seen bickering among themselves as to who would be the greatest. This argument occurred, at of all inconceivable times, the Last Supper (Luke 22:21-30). The early church was conflicted over the apparent lack of care for some widowed believers (Acts 6:1-7). These are just three incidents that I mention among so many more that are recorded in Scripture. Conflict occurs in many different settings, besides the church. It occurs wherever there are people: in the home, among friends, at the workplace, or between strangers.

The way that we manage or resolve conflict in the church or in our personal relationships will either hinder or attract unbelievers. In an interview with Bill Hybels, pastor of Willow Creek Community Church, Leadership (Winter 1993) asked, “How do you keep the church united?” He responded, “Unity isn’t the word we use to describe relationships at Willow Creek. The popular concept of unity is a fantasy land where disagreements never surface and contrary opinions are never stated with force. We expect disagreement, forceful disagreement. So instead of unity, we use the word community . . . We say, ‘Let’s not pretend we never disagree.’ We’re dealing with 16,000 people. The stakes are high. Let’s not have people hiding their concerns to protect a false notion of unity. Let’s face the disagreement and deal with it in a godly way . . . The mark of community – true biblical unity – is not the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of a reconciling spirit . . . we acknowledge that conflict is inevitable” (my emphasis).

Understanding the source of conflict is good place to start if one is desirous of minimizing conflict. James 4:1 states that conflict is caused by people’s desires, a desire for power and control. Instead of submitting ourselves to God’s purpose or plan, we contend for our own agendas, goals, and objectives.

We all have characteristic ways that we deal with conflicts in various settings. Just as a Myers-Briggs assessment suggests that there are different personality types, there are different conflict styles. In Discover Your Conflict Management Style, Speed Leas suggests six strategies used to a greater or lessor degree by various individuals when in conflict. Usually one or two of the styles are used more often than others. The six styles are persuade, compel, avoid/accommodate, collaborate, negotiate and support. This book and conflict inventory assessment can be purchased from the Alban Institute at www.alban.org.

A free interactive conflict style inventory web version is available at http://peace.mennolink.org/resources/conflictstyle/. This inventory was developed by Ron Kraybill and describes five different styles of conflict response: directing, cooperating, compromising, avoiding, and harmonizing. It is also available in book form at www.RiverhouseEpress.com.

Another wonderful resource is the “Conflict Management Resource Kit” by Norman Shawchuck which is available through Christian Ministry Resources at www.churchlawtoday.com.

No one wants to live in a tension-filled relationship or conflict. People want to learn how to appropriately behave in their relationships. Proper conflict resolution can be learned.

Be a Life Long Learning Student

I recently finished reading Stephen Covey's book, The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness. If you are desirous of being an influencer and inspiring others to rise to another level, in their own life, I would encourage you to read this book. One of many thoughts that caught my attention was a Covey quote from French Archbishop Francois Fenelon; "There is nothing that is more dangerous to your own salvation, more unworthy of God and more harmful to your own happiness than that you should be content to remain as you are."

We are to be life long learners. Students of excellence apply what they have learned. Learning is listening (hearing) and doing (obedience). "But prove yourselves doers of the word , and not merely hearers who delude themselves." (James 1:22, NASV) Learning consists of instruction, encouragement, reproof, correction, and self-discipline. Jesus reminded his disciples that "A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher." (Luke 6:40 NIV) The Apostle Paul exhorted the Philippian church, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 2:5 KJV)

The Locker Room

As you may be able to tell, I am looking forward to football season. It is just about on us. The NFL teams are already playing preseason games. Some are being telecast. I must not be the only one waiting for a new season. My local paper had an interesting article that related to success and winning. The article focused on the New England Patriots recent dynasty. The article begins with ". . . many of us are thinking about another Super Bowl championship. One doesn't have to be very old to remember when the Super Bowl and the New England Patriots were names that were not said in the same sentence. The Packers, Cowboys, Steelers and 49ers were champions, but New England. Yet after three titles, we have come to expect a championship every year. How did we get this way? Scott Pioli, who is the Patriots' vice president of player personnel, shared the team's secret in a recent interview. He and coach Bill Belichick have a philosophy that they will always build a team that competes for a championship. This is not a short-term philosophy of win this year and worry about next year later, but a philosophy of winning now while always keeping an eye on the future. A big part of this philosophy is talent acquisition. Pioli's job is to get the talent for the coach. The talent they go after is special. It is talent that fits with the Patriots' belief system. Once assembled, the coach must then build a culture in the locker room that is in line with the philosophy of the organization. The culture of the locker room is key, and everyone must buy into their overriding philosophy. Belichick believes the best players are going to play now, but the team is always developing players to be ready whenever they are needed. In a highly physical sport like football, players must always be ready to play. . . . . . Remember, the Patriots' philosophy of developing a team that can win today while always preparing for the future has proven to be quite successful. It works." (Portland Press, Pats Offer Lesson In Team-Building, 08/25/2006)

The phrase "the coach must then build a culture in the locker room that is in line with the philosophy of the organization" caught my eye. The locker room is the place that is least seen by the public. It is what is done in the secret places of the believer's life that produces positive attitudes and righteous behavior. Dallas Willard's book, The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives, presents a compelling argument as to the necessity of a renewed practice of the spiritual disciplines within a Christian believer's life. Prepare your life for the future.

Go PSU! - Pressing Toward the Mark

I am sitting at my favorite local coffee shop, Maine Bean, sipping my coffee and logged on to their wi-fi getting caught up on PSU football. Penn State preseason ranking is number 19 in the AP poll. The Nittany Lions (11-1) squad ended last season ranked number 3 and were Big Ten co-champions. They are returning 34 lettermen and 11 starters from last year's team. It should be a good season. However, the players cannot rest on their past laurels. If they think their past will carry them this year, they are mistaken. Coach Paterno has to prepare the players to play this year's games. Last years wins can build confidence, but those wins cannot be a substitution for what the team must do this year. Which leads me to my thought today: Our past spiritual victories are not a substitution for the accomplishments that we must do today for Christ. Paul said, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ — the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Php 3:7-14 NIV).

Personal Mission Statement

God has called me to be a player, a play maker, and an impact player in His Kingdom. As a player, I live the life of Christ through an inward experience with Him. As a play maker in the Kingdom of God, I offer myself to Him in ways that He may be glorified through all that I do. As an impact player in the Kingdom of God, I raise the level of life of those with whom I live, minister, and have contact.