Gary R. Allen, wrote in an article “Minimizing and Managing Conflict,” (Enrichment, Spring 2005) that “The primary reason ministers leave ministry is interpersonal conflict.” He also pointed out that interpersonal conflict was “a major reason that people leave the church.”
Wherever there are people there is going to be conflict. Conflict occurred among the disciples while walking with Jesus along the road to Capernaum. Their issue was who was the most important among themselves (Mark 9:33-35). Later as Jesus’ ministry on earth was nearing completion, the disciples again are seen bickering among themselves as to who would be the greatest. This argument occurred, at of all inconceivable times, the Last Supper (Luke 22:21-30). The early church was conflicted over the apparent lack of care for some widowed believers (Acts 6:1-7). These are just three incidents that I mention among so many more that are recorded in Scripture. Conflict occurs in many different settings, besides the church. It occurs wherever there are people: in the home, among friends, at the workplace, or between strangers.
The way that we manage or resolve conflict in the church or in our personal relationships will either hinder or attract unbelievers. In an interview with Bill Hybels, pastor of Willow Creek Community Church, Leadership (Winter 1993) asked, “How do you keep the church united?” He responded, “Unity isn’t the word we use to describe relationships at Willow Creek. The popular concept of unity is a fantasy land where disagreements never surface and contrary opinions are never stated with force. We expect disagreement, forceful disagreement. So instead of unity, we use the word community . . . We say, ‘Let’s not pretend we never disagree.’ We’re dealing with 16,000 people. The stakes are high. Let’s not have people hiding their concerns to protect a false notion of unity. Let’s face the disagreement and deal with it in a godly way . . . The mark of community – true biblical unity – is not the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of a reconciling spirit . . . we acknowledge that conflict is inevitable” (my emphasis).
Understanding the source of conflict is good place to start if one is desirous of minimizing conflict. James 4:1 states that conflict is caused by people’s desires, a desire for power and control. Instead of submitting ourselves to God’s purpose or plan, we contend for our own agendas, goals, and objectives.
We all have characteristic ways that we deal with conflicts in various settings. Just as a Myers-Briggs assessment suggests that there are different personality types, there are different conflict styles. In Discover Your Conflict Management Style, Speed Leas suggests six strategies used to a greater or lessor degree by various individuals when in conflict. Usually one or two of the styles are used more often than others. The six styles are persuade, compel, avoid/accommodate, collaborate, negotiate and support. This book and conflict inventory assessment can be purchased from the Alban Institute at www.alban.org.
A free interactive conflict style inventory web version is available at http://peace.mennolink.org/resources/conflictstyle/. This inventory was developed by Ron Kraybill and describes five different styles of conflict response: directing, cooperating, compromising, avoiding, and harmonizing. It is also available in book form at www.RiverhouseEpress.com.
Another wonderful resource is the “Conflict Management Resource Kit” by Norman Shawchuck which is available through Christian Ministry Resources at www.churchlawtoday.com.
No one wants to live in a tension-filled relationship or conflict. People want to learn how to appropriately behave in their relationships. Proper conflict resolution can be learned.
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